the moon pt ii (alternate storyline)
pairing: joel x fem!reader
summary: you spend time with tommy in wyoming after stumbling upon jackson. a year later joel shows up and tears down the wall you spent twenty years building around yourself after he abandons you on outbreak day
word count: 4.7k
warnings: canon typical violence, trauma, mentions of death, panic attack, angst, mentions of miscarriage/unknown pregnancy, not proof read, no use of y/ndedicated to @lflores2008 who inspired me to do a second part and to @josephquinnswhor* who pushed me to do the alternate storyline in the first place <3
part one
masterlist
minors dni
Time felt never ending as you made your way from Denver. You had no idea and no plan, just that you were heading North. Before you had managed to escape the QZ in Denver someone that was apart of the Fireflies mentioned a camp in Wyoming that would take you in. All you had to do was mention her name.
There may have been a slight underestimation of how brutal the mountain states winter would be. It would've been easy to handle had you planned beforehand how long the trip would be, but it was an impulse decision to escape. You were low on supplies and had no idea where you were. You couldn't feel your toes or fingers and your cheeks stung against the freezing wind.
Being in the middle of nowhere was helpful against dealing with infected because there were none. You'd encountered a few passing through towns, but for the most part the trip was open country.
As you crossed the river your teeth began chattering uncontrollably. It wouldn't have been unusual if your jaw would've just stayed clenched like it had this far into the trip. The fact that you couldn't control it anymore was a bad sign.
The more you tried to walk the slower your steps moved. It felt like there were weights attached to your ankles, sinking into the snow.
"No," You whispered to yourself. "Keep going."
You pushed yourself until you couldn't anymore and collapsed onto your knees. You wanted to fight to get up but the effects of hypothermia were slowly setting in.
The cold air embraced you, squeezing every inch of your body so tightly it felt like your skin was being ripped apart. You opened your eyes, looking up at the blue sky that was cloudless accepting that this was how you would die. After nineteen years, everything that you'd gone through, you would die cold, alone and in the snow. Maybe someone would find your body ten years down the line, or maybe you'd be left there for the rest of eternity. Maybe the cordyceps would eventually find you.
As everything went dark, you reached your hand out to death waiting for his fingertips to meet yours. They approached and then stopped right before you could touch him. He turned on his heel and walked away like he had never saw you to begin with.
"Come back," You said quietly.
When you woke up you felt hot. Sweat was dripping down your forehead as you frantically looked around for an explanation only to find that you were covered in blankets up to your neck.
"Hey, hey it's okay. Calm down." A man said.
Your vision didn't take long to focus on the room around you. It was an infirmary of some sorts and if your eyes weren't deceiving you, it was lit up by actual lights. You turned to the man and the air felt like it had been sucked out of your lungs.
"Tommy..." It came out as a whisper.
"I can't believe your here. I didn't wanna believe it, but you're here. I'm happy you're here." He had a smile on his face, tears in his eyes, looking at you like you were the most prized possession on the planet.
"I died and this is my personal hell." You said to yourself as you looked away from him. "I died."
"You're not dead." Tommy said. "You're in Jackson, Wyoming."
"God, that's worse." You attempted to sit up, stopped by the weight of the blankets.
"No, maybe you shouldn't." He put his hand on your shoulder and gently pushed you back down. "We're still tryin to get your body temp back up. It's been a rough few days. We lost you a few times."
"What a shame I'm still here." You sighed. "I'm burning up."
Seeing his face brought back memories from the night that he and his brother left you standing in that field alone the night of the outbreak. Looking at him made you feel sick, reminding you of a girl that was no longer there with them.
"Listen... I know you might hate me-"
"Understatement."
"You have every right to. I just need you to know there wasn't a single day Joel and I didn't think about you. Not a day that we didn't regret what we did. It's eaten at us for nineteen years. I won't ask for your forgiveness because I don't deserve it, but I am relieved that you're alive." Tommy said to you.
"Your brother... is he here?" You asked. You only cared if the answer was yes because if it was, you wanted out of this camp and as far from it as possible. You couldn't even say his name.
"No." He said. "We lost contact a while back. I ain't seen him in years. Ain't talked to him in a while either. Not even sure if he's alive, but he's Joel so he'll find a way."
The resentment that you felt towards the Millers was one that you weren't sure if you'd ever be able to shove down. Outbreak day was the worst day of everyone's lives. Everybody lost. You knew your loss wasn't more important than the rest of the world's but you had lost your entire family that day. Your family in Seattle, the family that called you their own in Austin and on top everything an unborn child you didn't know you were carrying.
"How did you make it all this time?" Tommy asked.
"I went to the military after you left me. They saw my scrubs and assumed I'd be useful so they saved me. I worked for FEDRA ever since but I escaped the QZ in Denver and now I'm here." You said. "Tommy, please I feel like I'm in the depths of hell, can we drop a few blankets?"
He put his hand on your forehead and then nodded, pulling three blankets off your body which made a drastic difference within seconds.
"It's good to know you were taken care of." He said.
"Was I?" You dropped your head back onto the pillow. "I appreciate the help, but once I'm better I'm leaving. I don't want to be anywhere near you or your brother."
You were under monitoring for a few more days by the kind people of Jackson. They cared for you, fed you, kept you alive. Tommy stopped by three times a day to see how you were doing, staying for an hour each time even if you refused to talk to him. One woman you had grown to like was a woman named Maria who checked in on you daily. You assumed she must've been the one in charge around here.
"I've never seen Tommy Miller in so much distress since he's gotten here than I have on the day of your arrival. He damn near fell to his knees when we brought you in." Maria said. "You two have a history?"
You weren't aware, but Maria already knew. She knew all about you the night that she had met Tommy. He opened up to her about the everlasting guilt he had about letting Joel leave you and agreeing to it. Tommy told her the truth, didn't sugarcoat anything.
"I was with his brother before the outbreak. I was with them the day it all went down. I couldn't save his daughter so they left me. Abandoned me for dead. So yeah, I'm a little indifferent towards him."
"Tommy would follow his brother into anything blindly. I don't know if this makes a difference but he talks about you everyday. Wishing you were somewhere safe and hating himself in the off chance you weren't. The guilt has eaten him alive since that night." Maria said.
"You and Tommy are close then?" You asked and she held up her left hand, a wedding band on her ring finger. "sh*t. Congratulations?"
"Tommy is a different person now." She smiled. "I swear to you he is worth making things right with."
Maria was no bullsh*tter and you knew it. Tommy had been one hundred percent transparent about outbreak day and how he and Joel had left you and she still loved him. Either she was f*cked up or you needed to attempt forgiveness with Tommy.
"We're discharging you today, by the way. We have an extra room in our house if you want. I know you said you want to leave, but if you change your mind the offer stands. Tommy and I would love to have you." Maria gave you another smile and then stands and leaves.
After being discharged and given a change of clothes you finally get to wander around town for a bit. It's functional which is the crazy part. Running water, electricity, they even have a Christmas tree for f*cksake. You don't know how to take it all in but this is the closest thing you've seen to pre-outbreak day since it all started.
You wander into a bar out of curiosity and sigh when you see Tommy sitting inside, a drink in his hand. He looks miserable when you take a seat next to him, asking the bartender for a drink as well. Surprisingly it tasted like actual whiskey. Good whiskey. Nothing like you had tasted since '03.
Tommy struggled to say what he wanted to say so you gave him time. "Are you leaving?"
"No." You said simply. There was a pause as he struggled with his words again. He's on thin ice and he knows it so he treads carefully, not wanting to upset you.
"I will never understand what you went through that night or after it. I don't ever expect you to forgive me or my brother but you have to know that I am sorry for what we did." Tommy said and you listened carefully. Before the outbreak Tommy was one of the most caring and compassionate men next to his brother and you could always tell when he meant his words.
"I lost more than just Sarah that night. I lost you, I lost Jo-" You cut yourself off and he almost winces at her name. "I went through hell and back these last twenty years doing what I can just to stay alive. I became a violent person and I hated it. I'm not saying that I'll forgive you just yet, but I'm saying we can start at ground zero."
"I don't know if he's alive." Tommy said to you. "I don't think we'll ever see him again."
"I wouldn't care if we did."
His look softens and rests his hand over yours. You hold your glass up and he taps the rim of his against yours. The silence holds the both of you as your finish your drinks.
The next year goes by too quickly, but it's hardly noticed. Tommy teaches you how to ride and how to care for some of the animals in the settlement. They offer you a job at the small infirmary that you once were a patient in and you love it. Hardly anyone is ever sick so you spend your days researching all there is to research about the outbreak. Information like this wasn't accessible to you while you worked for FEDRA. You find comfort in Tommy and Maria just as much as they find comfort in you. You and Tommy work on a memorial for Sarah and Maria's kid, Kevin. The both of you cried because since outbreak day it was the first time you had really been able to process and grieve her death.
Things are finally right. A relationship had been rebuilt with Tommy and so much so that he asked you to be the godmother of his child that he's welcoming with Maria. You'd been helping her piece the nursery together and it makes you feel warm inside.
Sitting down in the infirmary treating a patient that had come down with the flu when Maria bursts into the door.
"Everything okay? Is it the baby?" You ask rising to your feet.
"He's here." She said to you.
"Who's here?" You asked after a pause. A million thoughts flood your brain and you'll except any name except for the one that comes out of her mouth.
"Joel."
You sit back down on your chair and shake your head. "No, he's not."
"He just came in with a 14 year old girl." Maria approached you and sat in the chair besides you, resting her hand on your shoulder.
"What is he doing here?" You asked. "No. No, I don't believe you."
You rise from your chair and pull your coat on, walking outside and running straight into Tommy. "What the hell is he doing here?"
"I'm not entirely sure. I didn't tell him about you." Tommy said. "But he's gonna figure it out, the settlement aint that big."
Maria's behind you in a second, her hand on your back as you grab Tommy's arms. He's the only thing holding you up at that point, your chest closing in on itself.
"Hey, hey you're okay." He said softly.
"Just take a breath." Maria added.
Everything was rushing onto you like a tsunami. The flashbacks from that night, everything that you had lost. Every sh*tty thing that you had been through in the past twenty years was flooding back, after shutting it out as the years went by. Life had made peace with itself after finding Jackson and it was as if Joel's arrival had set off thirty nuclear bombs.
"Listen, we're going to meet him at the diner and see what he's doing here. Just stay here til we figure it out." Tommy said. "You'll be alright."
Tommy and Maria leave you in the infirmary and you still can't comprehend the idea of Joel being in Jackson, let alone with a fourteen year old girl. The idea of it all makes you feel nauseous, constant replays of outbreak day happening in your head.
You're filling out the paperwork alone in the infirmary as your shift nears its end. The one patient you had that day was discharged, leaving just you and your thoughts.
"Where is she?" The door bursts open and nearly fall out of your chair seeing Joel storm into the infirmary.
"Joel, leave it. She's not ready." Tommy's hot on his tail, Maria and the young girl you presume to be his are following.
You stand still as Joel stops once his eyes land on you. Time stands still as the two of you take each other in. His eyes soften and your almost do too until you remember every horrible thing that happened in your life after the outbreak happened because he abandoned you.
He runs to you, pulling you into a hug, squeezing you like his life depended on it. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He said those words over and over again but you couldn't even raise your arms to hug him back. You didn't want to, to be honest.
He finally pulled away and looked down at you, tears rolling down his cheeks. "You're here. I can't believe you're-" He's cut off when your fist connects with his jaw. He stumbles back, taken by surprise at the fact that you had just decked him square in the face.
The room is silent as you hold your fist to your chest, your knuckles sore from the hit. You look over at Tommy, Maria and the girl and then back at Joel, everyone just as shocked at what just happened. (horrified looks from everyone in the room) You release a deep breath and then back away from him. You don't even grab your coat before you run out of the infirmary and towards your shared home with Tommy and Maria.
You slam your bedroom door shut, everything coming back, unable to stop it this time. Everything replays from that night and you feel violently ill. Tears are streaming down your face as your back hits the door and you slide down it, sobbing into your hands. It feels like you're gasping for air under the weight of the panic attack you're having.
You wake up on your bedroom floor and sigh at the mess you created. Books were knocked off the shelves and pieces of furniture were knocked over. The last time you had a panic attack this bad was when you were in high school. That was a different lifetime.
Maria knocked on the door and looks at the disaster that is your room and frowned, "I'd ask how you're doing but it's evident."
"I'm fine now." If you told that lie to yourself maybe it'd be true. "When is he leaving?"
"Tomorrow. Maybe you should talk to him before he does. Find the closure that you need." Maria said.
"I don't need closure. He left me and I lost- I lost everything." You sucked in a breath to prevent yourself from breaking down all over again.
"I don't love the guy either, you know this. I don't think you should do it for him, you should do it for you." Maria gave you one last look and then exited your room.
It took you at least an hour before you mustered up enough courage to march across the street and into the house they were staying in. You hoped it was true that he was leaving tomorrow, so you'd never have to see him again.
"I called it, I knew you'd show up." The girl was sitting in the kitchen with a glass of water. "I'm Ellie, by the way. Hey, the way you decked Joel: so sick. Hilarious actually."
"Where is he?" You asked.
"On his balcony last I checked. Sulking."
"Are you..."
"His daughter? I bet you were wondering. But no." She replied.
What an interesting girl and if she wasn't his daughter then where the hell did he pick her up. She had humor and that was something you appreciated during these days. She wasn't half bad.
You push the master bedroom door open and find the patio door open, Joel sat in one of the chairs. He stands up when he realizes that it's you.
"Hi." You said gripping the railing. You looked up at the sky, never failing to appreciate how bright the stars were since the outbreak.
"Hi." He replied.
"You're alive." You said, looking at him. You get a good look at him for the first time since his arrival. He's aged, that's for sure but he's still as handsome as you remember. He's grey now which is something you'd always thought you'd see when you were younger.
"So are you." He said. "How?"
"I turned to the military for help after you abandoned me." You said, a bit harshly one might add. "FEDRA took me in as a nurse."
"Tommy said you've only been here for a year." Joel said.
"They found me out there. Probably about where they found you. I was half dead but they brought me back anyways. Talk about a wake up call when I saw Tommy." You told him.
"I'm just gonna say it. There's no reason you should forgive me, I know that. But that night, not even an hour after we split, I went back and I tried to find you. The guilt has killed me every single day for the past twenty years thinkin I killed you." He was shaking and you couldn't tell if it was because of the cold or because he was anxious looking at you.
"You lost your daughter and nothing can fix that. It took me years to accept the fact that her death wasn't my fault. That-" You pause, shaking your head as tears brim your eyes.
"That what?"
"I had a miscarriage that night, Joel." You said and he fell back into his chair, a hand over his chest. "I didn't know that I was pregnant otherwise I would've told you."
"Did that happen because of me?" He asked, looking up at you.
"I'm sure it was a number of things that happened that night, but being left in a field all alone while the world ended probably had a tiny part in it." You crossed your arms as you looked down at him. "I'm sorry, that was harsh."
"No, you have every right to be." He said.
"My entire world collapsed when you left." You said. "I know you lost Sarah that night-"
"We lost her." He corrected you.
"I'm sorry that it happened like that."
Things felt surreal, you and Joel sitting on this balcony in Wyoming after all these years, talking like adults. There was an ache in your chest, one that couldn't be differentiated from love or hate. Maybe it was both. After that night, you hated him and Tommy with every fiber in your body but seeing him in front of you brought back feelings you didn't know you still had.
"Where'd you find the girl?" You managed to ask.
"It's a long story. I'm taking her to a Firefly base." He said but by the way he looked away from you knew he was lying. You could always tell when he was lying, even back then. He was a horrible liar, it's why he spoiled your surprise birthday party that he and Sarah had planned.
"There's more to the story, what is it?" You narrowed your eyes as you looked at him.
He took a deep breath, accepting that he could never lie to you because you'd always catch him. "She's immune."
A laugh almost escapes your lips until you realize that he's telling the truth, "There's no such thing."
"She's more honest than me, ask her and she'll tell you. Tommy is taking her to Colorado tomorrow and I'm out of your hair. No idea where I'm goin next." He leans back in the chair and you roll your eyes.
"Same old Joel." You shake your head.
There was a real bond between Ellie and Joel and anybody could see that. It seemed like they had been together for years with the way they were so protective of each other. They were bonded after whatever sh*t they had been through together and he was just abandoning her and passing her off to Tommy. That little girl would be destroyed if she found out.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're leaving her just like-"
"No, it's not like that." He said.
"Then what is it like, hm?" You raised your voice as your voice cracked, "Everyone that trusts you just gets left behind."
Joel sat with your words pounding in his chest and he knew that they were true. Whether he wanted to reform a relationship with you or not, he caused trauma that would never be healed. Damage that would never be fixed in this lifetime or even the next. He hurt you and that killed him. Joel thought about these things everyday for the last twenty years and here karma was, standing in front of him forcing him to face his actions.
"You're taking her to Colorado and you're finishing what you started. Immune or not, you owe her that much." You said to him.
You left the house with less than what you went with. You expected closure and you got anything but that. Maybe more angry and a sudden rush of sadness that felt like it was never going to end. It still didn't feel real that he was here in Wyoming just across the street from you.
The cold air surprisingly felt a bit refreshing as you walked back to the house you shared with Maria and Tommy, the street lights casting a light golden glow on the snow. This camp was safe and it had become home. Joel had disrupted that.
Joel had been home once and he disrupted it then too.
Lying in bed that night you couldn't sleep, you just lay on your back staring at the ceiling thinking of the time that you had spent loving Joel Miller. It was the most free feeling you had ever felt in your entire life. He was your everything. There was never anybody after him and it wasn't because of the hurt you felt after he left; even after all of that, nobody was him.
Your feet find themselves walking across the street back to the blue house across from yours. You open the door and walk past the kitchen towards the stairs, stopping when you realize that Joel is already standing in the kitchen with an ice pack on his jaw.
"You got a killer hit." He said. "Come to tell me more about how horrible I am?"
"No, I..." You paused and looked around, releasing a sigh, "I don't know why I came actually."
There's a pause as you two stare at each other and finally you take the first step. You stopped in front of him as he stared down at you and you hesitated before reaching up to touch his face. Your fingers trailed along his jaw, taking in how he had aged over the years. He grabbed your hand and looked at your bruised knuckles from the hit to his jaw then looked at you. His eyes softened when they met yours and you nearly forgot how to breathe being this close to him again.
"I just need to see." You said.
"See what." He replied, brushing his thumb across your knuckles.
With a shake of your head you pull away, "Nothing. I don't know why I came here."
You turn on your heel prepared to walk out of the house, but Joel grabs you arm and pulls you back in. His lips connect with yours and it's like falling in love for the first time again. Like a flowers first bloom after the winter, seeing a rainbow after a year long storm, like all of your firsts happening at once. You don't want to enjoy it but you do more than anything you've ever enjoyed in this world. You needed this but he needed it more and it shows in how he kisses you greedily. Your back hits the counter as his hands cup your cheeks. Your fingers grip his shirt as you pull him closer to you.
A twinge of anxiety pulls at your heartstrings and you push him away in a swift movement.
"I'm sorry." You both said at the same time.
"No, no. I'm sorry." He said.
"Joel, you have to take her." You said and it pained you because you had just welcomed the idea of letting him back into your life. "You're going to take her."
"Come with me." He stepped towards you and you held your hand up to stop him. "I just got you back, please."
"I'll still be here when the job is done." You told him. "I need time to process this."
"Please, baby."
"Don't call me that." You gave him one last look and then left the house to return to yours.
The thoughts rattled your brain the entire night so much that sleep wasn't an option. You could stay in Wyoming where you and your feelings were safe or you could tread into the unknown with the man that destroyed the person you previously were in a world that is as far from safe as it gets. The obvious answer should be no, but its not.
Things don't happen the same way twice especially in a world that ended. Fate brought you to Wyoming to find Tommy just so that Joel could find you and that was something you couldn't ignore. The universe was giving you a second chance.
You got up from bed at the crack of dawn to pack your things and head down to the stables where you found Joel who had the same idea as you apparently.
"So you're taking her." You said with a smug smile on your face.
"I'm taking her." He said. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm coming with you."
